When I was a kid, my least favorite people were stuffy adults.
I went out of my way to tweak their noses and offend their sense of propriety.
This was a job I did well because I enjoyed it so much.
Not much has changed since I was young.
I'd like to say that is because not much time has passed since then, but I never tell a lie even I find unbelievable.
I still like to give "authority" a run for its money, and it seems to like to return the favor by giving me a run for my life.
Having established myself as not particularly reverent towards the government and its protocol, I do believe that the following tips will help you negotiate the courtroom in your divorce case.
1.
Dress pretty.
Don't show up in tattered jeans and a dirty t-shirt.
Imagine that you are watching the 6:00 news.
Would you be able to trust the information you got from the journalist if she was dressed in rags? If you are going to be a witness you need to be credible.
If you look like you were just dragged off the street to say your piece, the court might be inclined to believe you were.
This may seem like a superficial judgment, but remember, the judge only has the few minutes you are on the stand to get to know you.
If you look like you were just awakened from your sleep under a dumpster, the judge doesn't have any other information to tell him that you are actually a fine, upstanding citizen who is just fashion challenged.
2.
Don't dress for play.
Shorts and flip flops belong on the beach.
Tight skirts and low cut blouses are generally considered evening wear.
In court, you are trying to look formal, so that you will be believable.
You don't have to wear a suit.
Tails and gowns are unnecessary.
However, clean slacks and a modest blouse will never offend.
3.
Don't marinate in fragrance.
First of all, what may be a sweet floral bouquet to you may be the very stuff of allergies to those sharing the courtroom with you.
It is fine to wear a little discrete scent.
However, if your perfume announces your approach before your body is even in sight, you may get the sense that people are rushing you off.
It's nothing personal.
They'd have the same reaction to a skunk, and skunks are even cute.
4.
If you are being called as a witness, soap and water should be recent indulgences.
Tooth brushes are nice, too.
No one likes to sit in close quarters with someone whose personal hygiene is questionable.
The judge isn't interested in what you had for lunch just now, let alone what you ate last night or the week before.
We all have bodies, and we know how bad they can smell, so there's no reason to accidentally educate the court on that subject.
5.
Don't bring your small children to court with you.
Getting a baby-sitter isn't always easy, but you'll be glad you did.
It is difficult for everyone to concentrate if they have to endure Junior's screaming or chasing around the courtroom.
Besides, you'll be able to hear what is going on around you better if you don't have to worry about little Susie pulling the court's new computer system on her head.
You may think the above tips are obvious.
If so, I understand, and am glad your mother taught you how to act in public.
However, you would be surprised at how many people treat court like the most casual, unimportant thing on their to do list.
The fact is that the judge has their future in his absolute control, and needs to understand their testimony to make a fair decision.
Dressing for court and leaving your kids at home may not guarantee victory, but they can't hurt, and may well help.