Wanna stop your divorce? Real solutions to save your marriage
How You Can Have a Successful Marriage: Characteristics to show you the RIGHT way to save your marriage and to stop your divorce, Part 7 - Self-Investment:
Your ability and attempts to save your marriage will be unless you make the conscious choice to be different in your marital relationship. What this means to you is unless you are actively engaging in consistent and measurable action steps which will produce different results, the frustration, lack of satisfaction, unhappiness & discontent you &/or your spouse feel will not only continue, but increase, and divorce will be inevitable.
Different than the average bear...
When I talk about 'being different' in your marriage I mean getting rid of the arguments, the negative conflict (yes, there is positive conflict), the blow ups & blow out, the passive aggressive behavior, the way you avoid each other, finding solutions to your challenges; feeling relief after an argument instead of more stress, anger, or anxiety. Not only so, but experiencing a significant increase in the love, happiness, acceptance, safety & passion you feel; having more fun together. After all, if you and your spouse aren't different, what's the point of trying to save your marriage? Part of this involves you (& you and your partner) defining where it is exactly you want to go in your marriage. Clearly, you know where you are, it's not where you hoped you would be, is it? One of the first steps you can take is to assume responsibility. Own up to your own mistakes, missteps, and faults; no more blame or finger-pointing or excuse making. This is huge when it comes to stoping your divorce. Most likely you are both sick and tired of the excuses, finger-pointing, & blaming. This step right here will be a tremendous step towards saving your marriage.
After all, who's really at fault?
You both are. No one more than the other; therefore there's no need to assign blame, and doing so will only fuel your divorce. From this step a next step would be to clearly & measurably define where it is you want to go. What is it you want to experience? It's not enough to know what you don't like or wish was different. Saying "I wish my wife wasn't such a nag or wasn't so bitchy." isn't going to get you anywhere constructive; nor is saying "I wish my husband would get off his ass and help me out." Neither is complaining to, or about, each other. It's natural and normal to realize there are things you do not like about your partner; it does not, however, mean you will be better off after a divorce. The question is, what are you going to do about it? Are you going to focus on that stuff and let it ruin your relationship, or, are you going to accept we all have areas of improvement and appreciate them in spite of their own weak points?
Most couples I know simply complain about their spouse or avoid them in some way. It seems like an awful lot of wasted energy and time to me. Wouldn't you rather spend that time and energy enjoying each other? The truth is...
It takes more energy to focus on the negative & complain than to focus on the positive
If you're going to expend the time and the energy, doesn't it make more sense to you to expend it on enjoying each other & finding solutions to the problems & challenges you have. If you feel stuck in your marriage, and stuck in your problems, it's simply because you've YET to find the right solutions. If you're committed to having the marriage you hoped for, then you must also commit to doing whatever it takes to be different in your relationship. Part of this commitment includes investing in yourself to increase your knowledge and skill set.
Most marriages in crisis are due to not having the right skills...
Your marriage problems didn't start in your marriage. No, they started WAY before you were ever married. Your problems started when you weren't modeled the right way to create a successful relationship; you weren't modeled the correct way to handle and resolve conflict. I'm certainly not saying your marriage problems are your parents fault. What I am saying is you didn't get the right model to follow growing up and are simply following the only model you know. It's time for you to get a new model and with it a new mindset. Part of becoming different means you will want a new mindset. Think of it like this: if you've been attempting to solve your marriage woes with the mindset you currently have and are unsuccessful, do you think continuing to attack your problems with the same mindset is going to get you the results you want? Of course not! What this means to you is we need to shift your mindset so you're able to get the solutions which will provide the results you want.
Do you know what happens when a fish is sick?
If you ever have a sick fish there's only one thing to do to make it healthy again...you've got to change their environment. What this means to you is in order to be different in your marriage so you can get the results you want is you have to change your environment, you've got to shift your mindset. Your thoughts & beliefs are the water you're swimming in. You want a marriage filled with love, passion & happiness? Then we've got to shift the way you're currently thinking. You want to stop your divorce? then it's going to take a new mindset because the way you & your partner been thinking about things has put you on the brink of divorce.
Part of this is equipping you with the right knowledge and skill set...I was with a group of guys I coach last night and we were talking about marriage & some friends we know who are married and who's marriage is ending. One of the things we discussed is how people who are getting married are focused to their detriment on the warm and fuzzy, romantic dream they believe marriage to be. They're focused on the wedding day - the great party it will be; the presents they'll get; how much FUN it will be. They're consumed with thoughts about the honeymoon; how romantic it will be, how much fun they'll have, the sex they'll have. When couples talk about getting married it's all about the fun, the pleasure, what they'll enjoy about it. And as a result...
All of their time, energy, & MONEY is spent on the thought of pleasure...
And because they're so focused on the front-end of marriage they're not thinking about the FIFTY PLUS YEARS of marriage and what it will take to create a marriage which not only LASTS, one which will increase in love, happiness, passion & fulfillment. What have they done to EQUIP themselves for the rigor of married life? You likely haven't prepared for the natural storms of marriage, & now you are beat against the rocks. All the money and planning for a wedding DAY and honeymoon would be better spent investing in increasing your knowledge and skill set so you're actually able to create the marriage you want.
Now you find yourself in trouble. And you are not alone. I was once where you are now. And as there was for me, there is hope for you. The key is whether or not you will NOW choose to invest in yourself; your partner; your marriage. Will you choose to get the right knowledge and skill set to save you marriage & then to create the marriage you really want? Because until you do, you will not be able to truly be different in your relationship with your husband or wife, you will not be able to stop your divorce.
P.S.: Was this helpful to you? Did you learn something new or were you reminded of something you needed to be reminded of? I'd love to hear your comments or questions! Either leave a comment or email me. If there's someone you care about & think this might be a benefit to them as well, do them a favor and "Pass it on!"
Your ability and attempts to save your marriage will be unless you make the conscious choice to be different in your marital relationship. What this means to you is unless you are actively engaging in consistent and measurable action steps which will produce different results, the frustration, lack of satisfaction, unhappiness & discontent you &/or your spouse feel will not only continue, but increase, and divorce will be inevitable.
Different than the average bear...
When I talk about 'being different' in your marriage I mean getting rid of the arguments, the negative conflict (yes, there is positive conflict), the blow ups & blow out, the passive aggressive behavior, the way you avoid each other, finding solutions to your challenges; feeling relief after an argument instead of more stress, anger, or anxiety. Not only so, but experiencing a significant increase in the love, happiness, acceptance, safety & passion you feel; having more fun together. After all, if you and your spouse aren't different, what's the point of trying to save your marriage? Part of this involves you (& you and your partner) defining where it is exactly you want to go in your marriage. Clearly, you know where you are, it's not where you hoped you would be, is it? One of the first steps you can take is to assume responsibility. Own up to your own mistakes, missteps, and faults; no more blame or finger-pointing or excuse making. This is huge when it comes to stoping your divorce. Most likely you are both sick and tired of the excuses, finger-pointing, & blaming. This step right here will be a tremendous step towards saving your marriage.
After all, who's really at fault?
You both are. No one more than the other; therefore there's no need to assign blame, and doing so will only fuel your divorce. From this step a next step would be to clearly & measurably define where it is you want to go. What is it you want to experience? It's not enough to know what you don't like or wish was different. Saying "I wish my wife wasn't such a nag or wasn't so bitchy." isn't going to get you anywhere constructive; nor is saying "I wish my husband would get off his ass and help me out." Neither is complaining to, or about, each other. It's natural and normal to realize there are things you do not like about your partner; it does not, however, mean you will be better off after a divorce. The question is, what are you going to do about it? Are you going to focus on that stuff and let it ruin your relationship, or, are you going to accept we all have areas of improvement and appreciate them in spite of their own weak points?
Most couples I know simply complain about their spouse or avoid them in some way. It seems like an awful lot of wasted energy and time to me. Wouldn't you rather spend that time and energy enjoying each other? The truth is...
It takes more energy to focus on the negative & complain than to focus on the positive
If you're going to expend the time and the energy, doesn't it make more sense to you to expend it on enjoying each other & finding solutions to the problems & challenges you have. If you feel stuck in your marriage, and stuck in your problems, it's simply because you've YET to find the right solutions. If you're committed to having the marriage you hoped for, then you must also commit to doing whatever it takes to be different in your relationship. Part of this commitment includes investing in yourself to increase your knowledge and skill set.
Most marriages in crisis are due to not having the right skills...
Your marriage problems didn't start in your marriage. No, they started WAY before you were ever married. Your problems started when you weren't modeled the right way to create a successful relationship; you weren't modeled the correct way to handle and resolve conflict. I'm certainly not saying your marriage problems are your parents fault. What I am saying is you didn't get the right model to follow growing up and are simply following the only model you know. It's time for you to get a new model and with it a new mindset. Part of becoming different means you will want a new mindset. Think of it like this: if you've been attempting to solve your marriage woes with the mindset you currently have and are unsuccessful, do you think continuing to attack your problems with the same mindset is going to get you the results you want? Of course not! What this means to you is we need to shift your mindset so you're able to get the solutions which will provide the results you want.
Do you know what happens when a fish is sick?
If you ever have a sick fish there's only one thing to do to make it healthy again...you've got to change their environment. What this means to you is in order to be different in your marriage so you can get the results you want is you have to change your environment, you've got to shift your mindset. Your thoughts & beliefs are the water you're swimming in. You want a marriage filled with love, passion & happiness? Then we've got to shift the way you're currently thinking. You want to stop your divorce? then it's going to take a new mindset because the way you & your partner been thinking about things has put you on the brink of divorce.
Part of this is equipping you with the right knowledge and skill set...I was with a group of guys I coach last night and we were talking about marriage & some friends we know who are married and who's marriage is ending. One of the things we discussed is how people who are getting married are focused to their detriment on the warm and fuzzy, romantic dream they believe marriage to be. They're focused on the wedding day - the great party it will be; the presents they'll get; how much FUN it will be. They're consumed with thoughts about the honeymoon; how romantic it will be, how much fun they'll have, the sex they'll have. When couples talk about getting married it's all about the fun, the pleasure, what they'll enjoy about it. And as a result...
All of their time, energy, & MONEY is spent on the thought of pleasure...
And because they're so focused on the front-end of marriage they're not thinking about the FIFTY PLUS YEARS of marriage and what it will take to create a marriage which not only LASTS, one which will increase in love, happiness, passion & fulfillment. What have they done to EQUIP themselves for the rigor of married life? You likely haven't prepared for the natural storms of marriage, & now you are beat against the rocks. All the money and planning for a wedding DAY and honeymoon would be better spent investing in increasing your knowledge and skill set so you're actually able to create the marriage you want.
Now you find yourself in trouble. And you are not alone. I was once where you are now. And as there was for me, there is hope for you. The key is whether or not you will NOW choose to invest in yourself; your partner; your marriage. Will you choose to get the right knowledge and skill set to save you marriage & then to create the marriage you really want? Because until you do, you will not be able to truly be different in your relationship with your husband or wife, you will not be able to stop your divorce.
P.S.: Was this helpful to you? Did you learn something new or were you reminded of something you needed to be reminded of? I'd love to hear your comments or questions! Either leave a comment or email me. If there's someone you care about & think this might be a benefit to them as well, do them a favor and "Pass it on!"
