Many women who have been cheated on want to preserve the marriage for the sakes of their families and because they still love their husbands, but they can't help feeling resentment about having to be the one who is doing all of the forgiving and making all of the concessions. I'm often asked things like: "why does he get to make this huge mistake and then be caught and only then change? It's like he's getting a complete freebie or that he's getting off scot-free. How do I get over feeling resentful and angry about this? Why don't I get to mess up this way?"

I've even had wives ask me if they should just go out and cheat themselves and then demand that he forgives them in the same way. I understand this thought process. I really do. But, cheating yourself or doing something that is going to be hurtful to "even the score" is never a good idea either.

In the following article, I will discuss how you can go about making things more even between you and more appealing to you so that you're no longer feeling that he's getting off without suffering any repercussions.

Is He Getting A Freebie When You Forgive Him For Cheating?: It depends entirely on how you forgive him. I know that there are some wives who are so afraid of rocking the boat that they offer their forgiveness without any conditions. But, my experience is that this is not the norm. Many women are going to demand a lot of remorse, a lot of disclosure, and a lot of rehabilitation before they will even consider taking their husbands back or forgiving them.

It's very important that you offer your forgiveness or that you take him back on your own terms. Do not rush this. There is no need to allow yourself to be pressured. Make this process work for you. If there are things about your marriage that have always bothered you or places where you think your husband could definitely use some improvement, now is the time to speak up and make those demands.

If there are things that you need from him until you are ready to move forward (like his willingness to go to counseling, his assurances that he's going to check in, reassure you, and show you more affection, etc.) then by all means spell this out. You are in the driver's seat right now. If there are doubts in your mind or places where you are reluctant, tell him what he needs to do to help you get past these things. In this way, you're going to feel a lot less resentful and he's going to feel a lot less helpless.

Why Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right In Terms Of Cheating: Many wives tell me that they are considering taking more liberties with their marriage or withholding their participation, affection, and receptiveness because he "deserves less of my cooperation than he got before." Again, this is completely understandable. But, here's what so many of us do not understand at the time. (I know this because I was guilty of this too.) When we allow our anger to over take our lives, we are only hurting ourselves. This is damaging us as much as it is damaging him.

By allowing our lives to be submerged in negative feelings and anger, we allow these eggshells that we are walking on right now to continue to follow us around for much longer than they need to. What we really want is to feel better. We want to know that we can feel secure and normal again. What we can't see is that this is less likely to happen when we are keeping score all of the time and when are so guarded that we can hardly breathe.

That's why it's so important to not offer your forgiveness or to take him back until you're absolutely sure that you can freely offer these things or until you're absolutely sure that this is what you want to do. (If you've already done this but now regret it, there's nothing wrong with being honest, admitting that you acted too quickly, and taking more time to evaluate and process things.)

If you have genuinely offered these things and yet you still feel resentful, ask yourself if you're getting everything that you need. If you feel that nothing has really changed for him or that he's not making any concessions while you are making them all, now is the time to change that. Speak up. Now is the time to ask for what you want and need. Holding back and not being honest is not in your best interest. Many times, wives will tell me "well, I should not have to spell each and every thing out for him." Maybe this is true, but you're not likely to get what you really want until you do. That's unfortunate but it's true.

Ultimately, you want to define what you want and need and then you want to ask for it. If your husband is sincere, he will do his best to see that you get it to the best of his ability. Eventually, you'll hopefully be able to see that he's giving a little more, making more concessions, is not getting off scot-free after all, and that you're much happier as the result.

I very much understand feeling like your husband got off easy after he had an affair. But one day, I realized that I could change this and I did. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/