Why Can"t We Just Settle the Divorce Ourselves? Part 3
Third in a series of six articles
In this series of articles we're identifying the nine invisible reasons for why it's so difficult to persuade our spouse to agree to an out-of-court divorce settlement. Most people facing a divorce do not wish to waste their time, energy, and money on a court battle. Yet divorce often ends up being a long, grueling process with needless delays and a shocking price tag. However, if we can prepare ourselves by identifying some of the common obstacles, we stand a much better chance of keeping our divorce on time, on track, and on budget.
Obstacle 2: Take This Deal and Love It
In the second article of this series, we discussed the situation where one spouse does not want a divorce. However, even when both parties are ready to discuss a settlement, their varying thought processes and problem solving styles can also be problematic.
All decisions concerning a divorce are big decisions, and big decisions take time. They cannot be hurried, and it is nave to expect otherwise. Just as water seeks its own level, we make decisions at our own level. One spouse's timetable cannot rule over the other spouse's timetable.
We process big decisions by systematically becoming familiar with the product (e.g., we seldom buy the first home we inspect, nor do we buy the first auto we see). It takes time to get comfortable with making a big move. This is true even if we actually want the item, but divorce requires more processing because it is not something we want - at least not in the same way we want a home or car.
Our individual comfort zone tells us when to make a decision. If that is threatened, we will take the path of least resistance. We will kick into our default mode and say no.
Delays may also occur if the parties have different personality types. For example, extroverts need less time to size up a situation than introverts need. Some individuals are impulsive by nature, while others are more deliberate and prone to indecision. We must allow for these style differences or we are likely to get a premature no.
In addition, the financially dependent spouse may need extra time to grasp the money aspect of divorce or to get a more comfortable understanding of their financial future. We all resent being rushed, we resent sales pressure, and we try to squirm away from both. Aside from annoying us or making us uncomfortable, these tactics also trigger distrust. If we lose trust, we will either instinctively say no or we will stall until it becomes less awkward for us to say no.
Another aspect of this obstacle deserves special recognition. Simply put, we categorically reject generous settlement offers that are made during the beginning stages of conflict. When we receive such an offer, we freeze as if someone just hit the pause button. If our mind was a physical object that we could observe, and if we could see it at that precise moment, our reaction would be just like that of a deer in headlights.
I don't think we react this way because of skepticism regarding the value of the offer or because of our ego or pride or our fear of being a sucker. I think it is simply what happens when something comes at us out of the blue. Asking a person to accept a particular deal, when they may not be prepared to discuss any deal at all, definitely falls into this category.
If your generous offer is made too early, expect to receive a cold response. It is not about how good the deal is or isn't. It is probably because of that big pause button in the sky.
We must create a cooperative climate that proceeds at our partner's pace, and not ours. We should allow our partner to be a partner, with a sense of shared control and ownership in the proceedings. Above all, we must never push or pressure them.
There are a couple things we can say up front to help create a climate of cooperation: "I know that we will reach a settlement, but I want you to know that I won't be happy with anything we agree on unless you are just as happy as I am." Or: "I want our mutual satisfaction to be our real target. If we get off track, I give you permission to remind me of this, and I hope you will allow me to do the same."
In this series of articles we're identifying the nine invisible reasons for why it's so difficult to persuade our spouse to agree to an out-of-court divorce settlement. Most people facing a divorce do not wish to waste their time, energy, and money on a court battle. Yet divorce often ends up being a long, grueling process with needless delays and a shocking price tag. However, if we can prepare ourselves by identifying some of the common obstacles, we stand a much better chance of keeping our divorce on time, on track, and on budget.
Obstacle 2: Take This Deal and Love It
In the second article of this series, we discussed the situation where one spouse does not want a divorce. However, even when both parties are ready to discuss a settlement, their varying thought processes and problem solving styles can also be problematic.
All decisions concerning a divorce are big decisions, and big decisions take time. They cannot be hurried, and it is nave to expect otherwise. Just as water seeks its own level, we make decisions at our own level. One spouse's timetable cannot rule over the other spouse's timetable.
We process big decisions by systematically becoming familiar with the product (e.g., we seldom buy the first home we inspect, nor do we buy the first auto we see). It takes time to get comfortable with making a big move. This is true even if we actually want the item, but divorce requires more processing because it is not something we want - at least not in the same way we want a home or car.
Our individual comfort zone tells us when to make a decision. If that is threatened, we will take the path of least resistance. We will kick into our default mode and say no.
Delays may also occur if the parties have different personality types. For example, extroverts need less time to size up a situation than introverts need. Some individuals are impulsive by nature, while others are more deliberate and prone to indecision. We must allow for these style differences or we are likely to get a premature no.
In addition, the financially dependent spouse may need extra time to grasp the money aspect of divorce or to get a more comfortable understanding of their financial future. We all resent being rushed, we resent sales pressure, and we try to squirm away from both. Aside from annoying us or making us uncomfortable, these tactics also trigger distrust. If we lose trust, we will either instinctively say no or we will stall until it becomes less awkward for us to say no.
Another aspect of this obstacle deserves special recognition. Simply put, we categorically reject generous settlement offers that are made during the beginning stages of conflict. When we receive such an offer, we freeze as if someone just hit the pause button. If our mind was a physical object that we could observe, and if we could see it at that precise moment, our reaction would be just like that of a deer in headlights.
I don't think we react this way because of skepticism regarding the value of the offer or because of our ego or pride or our fear of being a sucker. I think it is simply what happens when something comes at us out of the blue. Asking a person to accept a particular deal, when they may not be prepared to discuss any deal at all, definitely falls into this category.
If your generous offer is made too early, expect to receive a cold response. It is not about how good the deal is or isn't. It is probably because of that big pause button in the sky.
We must create a cooperative climate that proceeds at our partner's pace, and not ours. We should allow our partner to be a partner, with a sense of shared control and ownership in the proceedings. Above all, we must never push or pressure them.
There are a couple things we can say up front to help create a climate of cooperation: "I know that we will reach a settlement, but I want you to know that I won't be happy with anything we agree on unless you are just as happy as I am." Or: "I want our mutual satisfaction to be our real target. If we get off track, I give you permission to remind me of this, and I hope you will allow me to do the same."