Should You Stay Together For the Kids?
This question has been posed time and time again for generations and personally in my professional opinion the simple answer is NO.
Let me tell you why I say that.
Firstly, children learn what they see, you, as the parent, are their template to follow as they grow and develop into responsible, caring, happy adults and it is your responsibility to keep that in mind with everything you do.
What do you want your child to learn from your behaviour? If you are having marital problems then it's not something to hide from your kids, they are sensitive beings they're picking up the energy in the household and know something is just not right but since no one is talking about it, they are just confused and a little scared.
They may even act out and you won't know why.
In one family, one of the children came down with a cough that would just not go away no matter what they did.
Throat problems usually relate to what's being said or not being said, in this case.
As soon as the parents sat down to discuss the problems, the child's cough went away.
When I say you want to talk about it, I don't mean treating your child like an adult and think they will understand, I mean talk to them in terms they will understand.
It keeps them in the loop on family issues so they can learn how to deal with problems that come up in their life.
It also keeps you in the position of the parent so you can treat the situation in an adult manner rather than turning on your mate with childish behaviour such as "It's your fault", "You're such an idiot" etc..
You will be teaching your child how to look at what the problems are, compromising where you can, getting help where you can and basically doing everything you can to solve your marital problems.
Your child will learn those skills watching you and your partner.
Once you have done everything you can to solve the problems, if it still doesn't work and one or both of you are not happy with things the way they are, you don't want to stay in the relationship for the child.
When it comes down to it, do we really ever stay in a relationship because of our child or because we think it is the right thing to do and we would be bad people if we didn't? If you chose to stay together, your child will learn beliefs such as, o Marriage means sacrificing your happiness o You have to stick with bad situations no matter what o Their happiness is not top priority o Their dreams aren't important o Suffer through it o Life is hard.
Do you really want your child to grow up with those beliefs? Let's look at the alternative, if you know you have done everything you can to save your marriage but you just know that one or both of you are not happy then it's time to show your child how to make changes correctly and powerfully.
Integrity is a must, honour your partner because you loved them once and what you loved is still there.
Your child is made up of half of the other person so it's very important to always honour your partner no matter what they may have done.
Communicate and work together to make changes that work for everyone and include your child to the level they are capable of understanding.
Be the adult.
Then your child will learn such beliefs as: o Always do their best to solve problems o If they can't be solved, work together towards everyone's best interests o Their happiness is important o Always strive for what is best for them and their dreams o They are loved.
Teach your child that life is a journey, there will be bumps that can be overcome with integrity and perseverance.
Ultimately, they have the right to be happy and to strive for that happiness by treating themselves and others they learn from on the journey with love and respect.
You teach them that by acting that out for yourself.
Let go of sacrifice and live powerfully for yourself and for those in your life that use you as their life's template.
Let me tell you why I say that.
Firstly, children learn what they see, you, as the parent, are their template to follow as they grow and develop into responsible, caring, happy adults and it is your responsibility to keep that in mind with everything you do.
What do you want your child to learn from your behaviour? If you are having marital problems then it's not something to hide from your kids, they are sensitive beings they're picking up the energy in the household and know something is just not right but since no one is talking about it, they are just confused and a little scared.
They may even act out and you won't know why.
In one family, one of the children came down with a cough that would just not go away no matter what they did.
Throat problems usually relate to what's being said or not being said, in this case.
As soon as the parents sat down to discuss the problems, the child's cough went away.
When I say you want to talk about it, I don't mean treating your child like an adult and think they will understand, I mean talk to them in terms they will understand.
It keeps them in the loop on family issues so they can learn how to deal with problems that come up in their life.
It also keeps you in the position of the parent so you can treat the situation in an adult manner rather than turning on your mate with childish behaviour such as "It's your fault", "You're such an idiot" etc..
You will be teaching your child how to look at what the problems are, compromising where you can, getting help where you can and basically doing everything you can to solve your marital problems.
Your child will learn those skills watching you and your partner.
Once you have done everything you can to solve the problems, if it still doesn't work and one or both of you are not happy with things the way they are, you don't want to stay in the relationship for the child.
When it comes down to it, do we really ever stay in a relationship because of our child or because we think it is the right thing to do and we would be bad people if we didn't? If you chose to stay together, your child will learn beliefs such as, o Marriage means sacrificing your happiness o You have to stick with bad situations no matter what o Their happiness is not top priority o Their dreams aren't important o Suffer through it o Life is hard.
Do you really want your child to grow up with those beliefs? Let's look at the alternative, if you know you have done everything you can to save your marriage but you just know that one or both of you are not happy then it's time to show your child how to make changes correctly and powerfully.
Integrity is a must, honour your partner because you loved them once and what you loved is still there.
Your child is made up of half of the other person so it's very important to always honour your partner no matter what they may have done.
Communicate and work together to make changes that work for everyone and include your child to the level they are capable of understanding.
Be the adult.
Then your child will learn such beliefs as: o Always do their best to solve problems o If they can't be solved, work together towards everyone's best interests o Their happiness is important o Always strive for what is best for them and their dreams o They are loved.
Teach your child that life is a journey, there will be bumps that can be overcome with integrity and perseverance.
Ultimately, they have the right to be happy and to strive for that happiness by treating themselves and others they learn from on the journey with love and respect.
You teach them that by acting that out for yourself.
Let go of sacrifice and live powerfully for yourself and for those in your life that use you as their life's template.
