He" s Cheated - Can This Relationship Be Saved?
Let's say you discover your man is cheating. You spy on his computer or you find a text message on his phone that clearly tells you that he's romantically involved with someone else. What should you do?
As a therapist, here are 3 things I go through with a client whos partner has been unfaithful to determine if I can help them with just such a problem.
1) "Do you want to save this relationship?"
The obvious answer is yes, or they wouldn't be speaking with me, but the truth is that repairing a relationship where one partner has been unfaithful takes more work than most realize. So before we begin down that path of reconciliation, it's important for the victim (in this case the woman) to realize that there is a difference between saving the relationship and him getting what he deserves. What he deserves if for you to leave him. To save your relationship you can't do to him what he deserves. You have to pick between the two.
2) "Are you willing to leave the relationship if his behavior doesnt change?"
Even if you want to save it, you must be willing to leave if his behavior doesn't change. Just talking about your feelings won't be enough. You see the problem isn't that he doesn't understand, it's that his way of dealing with stresses in your relationship is to go outside of the relationship. If he refuses to even consider changing that behavior, then there are no magic words to motivate him. It's similar to when someone says to me, "How can I get my spouse to stop drinking?" Well, there are things you can do, but if they are determined to drink, then they're going to drink - period. The same applies to some men who cheat. If they are going to cheat, then regardless of what you do, then they will cheat.
3) "How to know he's sincere."
Forget trying to read his intentions or hyper examining his every word. All that will do is turn you into a detective and drive him away. Focus on the most reliable thing which is this - Does he keep his word? When he says he'll be home at 7 is he home then? If he promises to call you at 6, does he call at 6? Those things may seem little, but when a man consistently keeps his promises to a woman, it means that he is investing emotionally with her.
As a therapist, here are 3 things I go through with a client whos partner has been unfaithful to determine if I can help them with just such a problem.
1) "Do you want to save this relationship?"
The obvious answer is yes, or they wouldn't be speaking with me, but the truth is that repairing a relationship where one partner has been unfaithful takes more work than most realize. So before we begin down that path of reconciliation, it's important for the victim (in this case the woman) to realize that there is a difference between saving the relationship and him getting what he deserves. What he deserves if for you to leave him. To save your relationship you can't do to him what he deserves. You have to pick between the two.
2) "Are you willing to leave the relationship if his behavior doesnt change?"
Even if you want to save it, you must be willing to leave if his behavior doesn't change. Just talking about your feelings won't be enough. You see the problem isn't that he doesn't understand, it's that his way of dealing with stresses in your relationship is to go outside of the relationship. If he refuses to even consider changing that behavior, then there are no magic words to motivate him. It's similar to when someone says to me, "How can I get my spouse to stop drinking?" Well, there are things you can do, but if they are determined to drink, then they're going to drink - period. The same applies to some men who cheat. If they are going to cheat, then regardless of what you do, then they will cheat.
3) "How to know he's sincere."
Forget trying to read his intentions or hyper examining his every word. All that will do is turn you into a detective and drive him away. Focus on the most reliable thing which is this - Does he keep his word? When he says he'll be home at 7 is he home then? If he promises to call you at 6, does he call at 6? Those things may seem little, but when a man consistently keeps his promises to a woman, it means that he is investing emotionally with her.
