Dear Lesbian Life:
I have just ended a 20-year relationship that has been sexless for about five years.I have since met someone and I'm afraid to be intimate with her because she sounds so much more experienced than I and I don't want to disappoint. I really like her. Suggestions please.
Afraid to get Back on the Horse

Dear Pony:

It's normal to be apprehensive about having sex with a new partner. Having sex with a new partner is intimidating no matter how long it's been since you've been with someone else.

So, the first thing you need to do is just let yourself experience your feelings. You're smitten and turned on by this new woman, but intimidated and nervous too. That is all normal and actually part of the excitement of being with a new person.
Part of the joy of sex is going to those scary places and opening yourself up to experience them. The times you allow yourself to be vulnerable and let someone else in can be when you have your greatest connection.

So start by talking to your new partner about what you're feeling. Tell her what you're afraid of. Is it that you won't be good enough? That you'll be overwhelmed and cry? That she won't be attracted to you? Be honest. Let her know that it's been a while since you had sex and even before that you were with the same woman for so many years, you don't know how it will be with someone new.

Use Your Imagination

The other thing you should do is imagine yourself having sex with her. Where will it happen? How will it start? What are you most looking forward to with her?

Oral sex? Sex with a dildo? Touching her breasts?
I suggest both of you plan ahead for the "big night." Get your room ready with a music mix, candles and clean sheets. Set the mood with a romantic dinner, something light and sexy, like finger foods. If you drink, get a nice bottle of wine. It might loosen you both up. Chances are, she is nervous too.

Start slowly with kisses and caresses. Allow yourself to make out with her. Lesbians often jump right into bed with a new partner, but give yourself permission to just kiss and touch bodies for as long as you need. It could be a few dates or a few months. If you spend time with her flirting, kissing and letting the sexual tension between you grow, you may be more ready when the time comes to take it to that next level.

First Time with a New Lover

And remember the first time with a new lover is not always indicative of how things will go. It might take you a few tries to get into the groove of each other's bodies.
You've been used to the same woman for 20 years and when you and your new lover get naked, you've going to discover that she kisses differently, touches you differently and likes to be touched in different ways.

Yet, everything you learned with your former lover is not down the drain. The skills you gained with her are still there. They'll come back to you, don't worry.

Don't carry all of the burden. You say she has a lot of experience. Let her share that experience with you. Instead of feeling like you're unskilled, look at this as an opportunity to learn and grow. Let her teach you how she likes to be touched. If things go well, hopefully you'll have many chances to experiment and perfect your technique with your new lover. You'll discover that getting back in the saddle in the bedroom is sort of like getting back on a horse. Part of it is skill and training. But the rest is passion and intuition. Try to relax and let yourself enjoy the ride.