How to cope with adultery
- 1). Find out the facts. Depending on how you discovered the affair you may not have the full picture. Make it your first objective to have a reasonably calm conversation with your partner to find out what exactly has taken place. It will be a painful conversation, but often the truth is not as bad as the things you imagine.
- 2). Ask your partner why he or she felt the need to embark upon the affair. The response may be something like, "It just happened." However, he or she may identify some cause such as a feeling of increasing loneliness or being taken for granted. Listen to what is being said and reflect upon it. If you recognise that you may be partly at fault, accept and acknowledge this but refuse to take all the blame. Spend time on this process; identifying what went wrong is the first step to making things right again.
- 3). Establish what your partner sees as the way forward. You need to know whether he or she intends to end the adulterous relationship. Think deeply about your own feelings and how you see the future. If there is any doubt, you may want to suggest you both take a period to consider the options. Avoid making any hasty decisions. You are probably both upset and highly emotional, so allow yourself time to come to terms with what has happened.
- 4). Ask yourself what you really feel. Your emotions are probably raging--encompassing everything from anger and hurt to jealousy and resentment. But you may be angry because you were made a fool of, rather than because your partner found someone else. You may be feeling resentful that your partner spent money on someone else that should have been spent on you. Clearly identifying your true emotions may help indicate how much--if at all--you still love your partner and want to continue your relationship.
- 5). Find a confidante. Clarity often comes from talking things through with someone else. This is a good time to open up to a close friend or trusted relative and ask for her opinion and advice. Talking, and probably shedding many tears, is therapeutic and may help you see things more clearly and objectively. Bear in mind that the advice you get is unlikely to be objective; your friend is more likely to take your side over your partner's out of concern for you.
- 6). Keep the conversation going with your partner. You may decide to keep living under the same roof or to embark upon a trial separation. The important thing is to keep talking. As time passes and emotions become calmer, you will both be better placed to decide the best way forward. Avoid telling too many other people of your problems at this stage. They will all be concerned and probably well intentioned, but may interfere and create more conflict.
- 7). Seek outside help. The services of a relationship counsellor or religious adviser can provide a forum for an honest exchange of views between you and your partner. They will help guide you towards a mutually acceptable way forward, even if your eventual decision may be to go your separate ways. Don't rush things; matters may take many weeks or months to resolve. Even if you decide to put the experience behind you and to continue your relationship, it may take a long time before you trust again.
