We always hear of drug addictions, sexual addictions, food addiction, porn addiction and so forth but we rarely hear of love addiction, why? Perhaps because it's hard to imagine that anyone can be addicted to love and perhaps because it's so everywhere in our society that it has somehow become part of our daily existence.
Hollywood promotes it, Reality TV Shows glorify it and musicians sing it all the time.
How serious is love addiction? Seven long years working as a Dating Coach, Mood Disorders Counsellor, Addictions Counsellor and working with men mandated by court to attend group counselling because they physically and emotionally abused their girlfriends or spouses, I have enough first hand experience to prove that the obsession with love is extremely rampant (even more so than obsession with food or drugs) and can be very dangerous to both the addict and their partners.
Many incidents of gross domestic abuse, stalkings, rapes and even suicides and murders of passion have their roots in this addiction.
So how do you know if you have traces of (or will potentially develop) obsession to love? 1.
You instantly attach yourself to another person, regardless of compatibility The desire to feel appreciated, loved, secure, connected or complete, fuels your anxious efforts to attain or keep a man or woman in your life.
Even when you see that someone can't give you what you want and require, you still believe they can.
Even when you experience that they won't, you still pursue them, because you believe that they could.
You won't give up the belief that they will in fact eventually love you.
If you succeed in making them pay attention to you, you might experience excitement, but because you'll always be anxious about losing what you gained, your satisfaction is short-lived.
2.
You feel you have to be in a "relationship" not matter the quality of that relationship When one relationship or resemblance of it ends, you immediately replace the lost relationship with a new one because you have this consuming, all-pervasive need to be in a relationship.
Not being in a relationship reminds you of the warm, loving and nurturing you longed for from your parents or caregivers but never received.
Not being in a relationship reminds you that you are unworthy, unlovable and incomplete and so you respond deeply to the familiar type of emotionally unavailable people or people who appear, in some way needy; people whom you feel you can nurture and heal through your love and "taking care of" .
Almost nothing is too much, takes too much time, or is too expensive even when your own self-respect and dignity is in question.
3.
You have the need to control your partners, using whatever means necessary Terrified of abandonment, you will do anything to feel like you are being loved.
While your conscious thought or outer voice says "I want this person to be happy".
The sub-conscious inner voice is saying, "I certainly do not want to be unhappy".
Your sense of "love' is about avoiding abandonment.
And while your conscious thought says, "I know it is not going to happen between us, but I just want to be a friend".
The sub-conscious inner voice is saying, "If I am in the picture and not forgotten, may be something will happen".
Your sense of "love' is controlling how you are rejected.
You try to control how the person pays attention (emails, phone calls etc), if you don't contact them, they won't contact you.
You also try to control the way a person feels emotions towards you (showering him or her with endearments, interest, encouragement, support , walking on eggshells etc).
If you don't show interest and support, they won't give any.
So you keep giving and giving in return for just a little something.
On the one hand you really want to be loved; on the other hand, you are, in fact, without knowing it, separating yourself from the possibility of being loved.
An obsession with "being in love" or "being with somebody (anybody really)" could be the source of much of your suffering today.
As long as you see another person through the filter of your fear and need based Self (unworthy, unlovable, and incomplete), you are setting yourself up for disappointment, pain and rejection.
Stop the viscous cycle before it completely destroys your ability to love.
You can discover healthy, loving relationships with others but only when you learn to have a healthy relationship with yourself.
Do you love yourself? Just go stand in front of the mirror and look deeply in your eyes, don't blink your eyes or you would be losing focus.
Now start saying, "I love you (Your name)" be as sweet as possible, keep on repeating for 5 minutes while looking into your eyes.
If you feel ashamed of taking your own name just say "I love you".
Just continue: slowly, softly and gently so that you do not hurt the feelings of the person in the mirror.
Now add, "I love you (Your name) because you are...
" Go on and list why you love the person in front of the mirror.
Describe your love until you run out of things to say to your beloved (Self).
If you can withstand this simple test for 5 minutes and would like to continue beyond the 5 minute limit and you have enjoyed every moment of it than you must have felt an unknown joy, a sense of worthiness.
On the other hand if even for a moment you thought it was illogical and stupid or you started hating yourself and moved away from the mirror even before the five minute limit was over, you are a victim of guilt and self-hate.
If you cannot lovingly gaze into your own eyes, and express love to your own self the way you want and deserve, nobody is going to lovingly gaze into your own eyes and express love to you the way you want and deserve.
It's asking too much of others to love the person, who, even you can't love or stand to be alone with! There is happiness for the asking, out there, if only you could GET IT, really GET the fact that YOU are the ONLY person standing between you and true love.
Only YOU!