Check Your Reality
Have you ever really gotten upset at someone and then realized later that you over reacted.
There are some tools to use that will help you stay calm and react appropriately to the situation.
I call them the "Reality Check".
When we get triggered it is hard to stay in a logical state of mind.
We usually go to the emotional part of our brain and our emotions take over.
The Reality Check will help you pause for a moment and think before reacting.
When you are triggered, stop for a moment and ask yourself, What emotion am I connecting to this event.
Am I feeling:
Then ask yourself, "Could this be a misinterpretation on my part about the event?" Remember there are always two sides to the story and you only have one side.
Ask yourself, "What else could this mean?" What do I need from this person that would help me feel better now.
"Do not attempt to communicate until you have answered these questions:
What usually happens is we get upset and we cry for help by attacking.
The other person feels threatened and so he/she reacts with defensiveness.
Which is another cry for help and the cycle continues and both feel invalidated and rejected.
Neither person gets their needs met for love and acceptance.
Before our needs get met, we have to know what needs we have and take responsibility in communicating them.
It is possible that the other person may not always be able to meet our needs.
We may have to find a way to meet our own needs in a healthy way without putting something on the other person that they cannot fulfill.
Next time you get upset, give this a try.
It will take practice, but my husband and I have learned to do this and it has helped us communicate a lot more effectively.
It is worth the work.
There are some tools to use that will help you stay calm and react appropriately to the situation.
I call them the "Reality Check".
When we get triggered it is hard to stay in a logical state of mind.
We usually go to the emotional part of our brain and our emotions take over.
The Reality Check will help you pause for a moment and think before reacting.
When you are triggered, stop for a moment and ask yourself, What emotion am I connecting to this event.
Am I feeling:
- Abandoned
- Rejected
- Invalidated
- Alone
- Hurt
- Betrayed
Then ask yourself, "Could this be a misinterpretation on my part about the event?" Remember there are always two sides to the story and you only have one side.
Ask yourself, "What else could this mean?" What do I need from this person that would help me feel better now.
"Do not attempt to communicate until you have answered these questions:
- Do I need to change my perception?
- Do I need to get more information?
- Do I need to understand their view?
- Do I need to know they care?
- Do I need to change the way I/we are doing something?
- Do I need an apology?
- Do I need to remember who this person is and remember he/she would never do anything intentionally to hurt me?
What usually happens is we get upset and we cry for help by attacking.
The other person feels threatened and so he/she reacts with defensiveness.
Which is another cry for help and the cycle continues and both feel invalidated and rejected.
Neither person gets their needs met for love and acceptance.
Before our needs get met, we have to know what needs we have and take responsibility in communicating them.
It is possible that the other person may not always be able to meet our needs.
We may have to find a way to meet our own needs in a healthy way without putting something on the other person that they cannot fulfill.
Next time you get upset, give this a try.
It will take practice, but my husband and I have learned to do this and it has helped us communicate a lot more effectively.
It is worth the work.
