I would like to say that I remember my first London underground experience like it was yesterday but truth be told even though it was only about a year ago, I was far too intoxicated to remember any of it.
I was on a 3 week holiday in the U.
K.
visiting friends.
We had done the traditional pub crawling resulting in me taking the "crawling" part a bit too literal.
I woke up the following morning with a interesting time-frame of the previous nights events captured in a collection of high resolution images on my mobile phone.
I featured in most of the images so clearly I could not have been the one taking the pictures.
After stumbling around my buddy's apartment I noticed a note on the kitchen counter that read "Well done buddy, you managed to break more laws in one night that we have in an entire year of staying in the UK.
We had to go to work today so make yourself at home and if you want to venture out then use the London underground, we gave you a full run down last night of how to find your way around" Off course, I wanted to venture out but I had no idea what they meant by giving me full run down of how to get around.
After nursing the mother of all hangovers I stepped out into the London streets and walked until I saw any signs of the London underground.
Entered one of the stations and got bumped into by at least four people.
I eventually managed to find a bench so I sat down quickly and tried to figure out what on earth was going on.
Almost felt like I was invisible or something.
I noticed a coffee stand right there in the London underground and figured that would do the trick, made a quick dash to the stand whilst carefully dodging people who seemed completely oblivious to my presence.
Bought myself a piping hot cup of coffee and was about to take a sip when I was bumped into again, spilling coffee all over the person that bumped me.
Then as quick as a flash he blurted out a rather colorful string of words and sentences that sounded like absolute gibberish to me.
Obviously with me being completely hung over, I was a little on the slow side and was unable to make sense of his cockney accent.
So instead I blurted back some gibberish also that sounded like it came straight out of a Star Wars episode featuring "Jabba the Hutt".
The poor bloke looked at me like I was a psychiatric patient, shook his head and walked off.
This was all too much for me, I was standing there wondering what was going on in this place, I'm in England surely I should hear people speaking English? Eventually I decided to retreat back to a familiar environment, my buddy's apartment.
I ended up staying there the entire day until they got back home from work.
To help adventurous "Tube Virgins" navigate the London underground.
I compiled a few quick tips to help you avoid getting yourself in precarious situations.
Surviving the London underground: 1.
Londoners are not the friendliest bunch of people around, get used to it.
Don't take it personally, it's not you, it's them! 2.
Do not smoke anywhere in the London underground, not even the platforms.
3.
Do not make it obvious that you are a tourist, the London underground has plenty of "vultures" who prey on unsuspecting tourists.
For the record, you can NOT buy an iPad for 20 Quid! When you open the box all you will find is an iBrick! 4.
Get yourself and Oyster card, great value for money especially if travelling around the entire day.
Plus, it makes you look like you are a regular and not just another tourist.
5.
Do not leave your bags unattended anywhere on the London underground, security personal at the underground lack a sense of humor, they also have to constantly deal with the fact that they were not good enough to become real police and had to resort to security work.
This leads to them growing a massive chip on their shoulders.
6.
If you find yourself in the presence of an overly friendly, extremely good looking women.
Who just so happens to be making obvious advances at you then unless you are George Clooney she is probably a "working girl", a London underground organ trading mule, she needs to borrow some money for "tuition" or she has escaped from her six foot five Jamaican, mafia boyfriend and she needs your help.
Best course of action is to resort to my fail-proof "Jabba the Hutt" gibberish response.
7.
Try travel with friends who are well versed on the London underground so they can show you the ropes on until you get used to it.
8.
Be on the alert for pick pockets, especially if you are travelling during peak time.
9.
If you don't like crowds then stay away from the London underground during peak times.
10.
The tube does not run 24 hours a day so make sure you find out what time the last train is for the area you will be staying in.
Remember, if you find yourself in the presence of dubious company on the London underground, always resort to the "Jabba the Hutt" response.
If that fails then ran like the wind, if you can't run then drop to the floor crawl up in the fetal position and hope for the best.