Family Rivalry and Emotional Maturity in San Diego
Dear Dr. Colt: I have been married for two months now and already on the brink of divorce. My mother is very manipulative and controlling. She has been emotionally abusive toward me my entire life. I have a 17 year-old stepson. My husband's concerned his son will lose another mother figure. My family believes in a very tight, close-knit family. I am so torn that I don't want anything to do with them. But every time I get on the phone with them I let them make me upset and feel guilty and then I end up crying and the whole house is in an emotional uproar. My husband is afraid he is going to be labeled the bad guy because he is trying to get me to stand up to them. I love him and our son very much. He has tried to reverse all of the emotional damage my mom has created. I would do anything to keep this family together. I have lost other relationships because of my family. How do I hold on to this one? How do I prove to him that he is not alone? -- Scared in San Diego
Dear Scared in San Diego: It seems the transition from considering your family-of-origin as your family to thinking of your husband and your stepson as your family is difficult for you and your mother. You are not powerless or without choices. Keep in mind you are choosing to "let them make [you] upset and feel guilty."
I suggest you meet with your mother (and others) to have your say and say it. That will take courage. Do you have it? Then, unless you enjoy being victimized, distance yourself from your mother when she becomes controlling and manipulative. If your family-of-origin continues to negatively impact your marriage, it may be necessary to choose between the two.
Dear Dr. Colt: My fiancé is out of control. He runs a struggling business and brings it home with him, throwing temper tantrums and taking it out on me. I'm sick of his whining how everyone at work is to blame, and me being blamed for everything else that goes wrong. He's always been spoiled, but now I'm supposed to forgive his pathetic, high drama hissy fits because he's "under stress." It's all about him. What can I do? -- Disturbed in Del Mar
Dear Disturbed: Under stress, we can feel powerless. Getting angry mitigates that feeling, infusing us with the illusion of being in control again.
Learning effective stress reduction and coping techniques will not only benefit your fiancé and you, but can be used the rest of your lives to live happier and healthier. However, a more serious issue seems to surface when your fiancé is under stress.
Many adults are what we call "Blamers." They have not grown up; too often behaving like adolescents or younger. They are in misery. Misery likes company.
Easily wounded, blamers fear and cannot tolerate the anxiety of admitting their responsibility for situations resulting from their own errors and omissions. Their defense is to upbraid others, often in a torrent of accusations.
Blamers overestimate themselves and denigrate others, characteristically bending the truth or dispensing with it altogether. Like your fiancé, they are--out of fear--practiced in shifting responsibility, usually by bullying. "And, by God, now it's your duty to help me!"
Blamers can learn to behave differently. However, many don't have the insight and courage to do so. If your fiancé lacks the emotional intelligence to recognize and accept responsibility for his behavior, not much will change. You may want to hit the road, Jack-ie.
Dear Scared in San Diego: It seems the transition from considering your family-of-origin as your family to thinking of your husband and your stepson as your family is difficult for you and your mother. You are not powerless or without choices. Keep in mind you are choosing to "let them make [you] upset and feel guilty."
I suggest you meet with your mother (and others) to have your say and say it. That will take courage. Do you have it? Then, unless you enjoy being victimized, distance yourself from your mother when she becomes controlling and manipulative. If your family-of-origin continues to negatively impact your marriage, it may be necessary to choose between the two.
Dear Dr. Colt: My fiancé is out of control. He runs a struggling business and brings it home with him, throwing temper tantrums and taking it out on me. I'm sick of his whining how everyone at work is to blame, and me being blamed for everything else that goes wrong. He's always been spoiled, but now I'm supposed to forgive his pathetic, high drama hissy fits because he's "under stress." It's all about him. What can I do? -- Disturbed in Del Mar
Dear Disturbed: Under stress, we can feel powerless. Getting angry mitigates that feeling, infusing us with the illusion of being in control again.
Learning effective stress reduction and coping techniques will not only benefit your fiancé and you, but can be used the rest of your lives to live happier and healthier. However, a more serious issue seems to surface when your fiancé is under stress.
Many adults are what we call "Blamers." They have not grown up; too often behaving like adolescents or younger. They are in misery. Misery likes company.
Easily wounded, blamers fear and cannot tolerate the anxiety of admitting their responsibility for situations resulting from their own errors and omissions. Their defense is to upbraid others, often in a torrent of accusations.
Blamers overestimate themselves and denigrate others, characteristically bending the truth or dispensing with it altogether. Like your fiancé, they are--out of fear--practiced in shifting responsibility, usually by bullying. "And, by God, now it's your duty to help me!"
Blamers can learn to behave differently. However, many don't have the insight and courage to do so. If your fiancé lacks the emotional intelligence to recognize and accept responsibility for his behavior, not much will change. You may want to hit the road, Jack-ie.
