One Reason Your Child Might Be Misbehaving
In my work I talk a lot about the reasons children misbehave, and there is always a reason.
Sometimes it's obvious but often it's not obvious.
Children are human beings and like all human beings we do what works for us, even though it may seem nonsensical.
We might be protecting ourselves in some way or our behavior might be getting the attention we need from others.
There are a multitude of reasons.
One thing that makes children feel secure and grounded is when we impose clear, consistent, enforceable boundaries.
By that I mean we make it clear what is acceptable and what isn't and they know with 100% certainty where the line is drawn.
On our part, it requires us to be not only clear and consistent, but realistic.
How often have you said something like "From now on, no TV on Fridays", or something like that? What often happens is we find it far too difficult to enforce so we relax the "rule".
Another thing we might say is "Your job is to feed the cat everyday" but before long you find yourself feeding the cat.
Every time we impose a new rule or set a boundary we have to be prepared to enforce it.
When my kids were young I found there were things I said they couldn't do, or must do, but later found them too difficult to consistently enforce.
I had to be realistic and honest with myself.
How diligent was I prepared to be? I knew it was important to be consistent if I really meant what I said, so I had to stick to guidelines I was prepared to realistically and consistently enforce.
When a child asks to do something or have something and we say "no" but later give in to their demands, we weaken the boundaries.
In the short term it works because we no longer have to hear a whining child and our child is content because she got what she wanted.
In the big picture though, we've created boundaries that are gray.
Once kids learn how to push hard enough to get what they want, the word "no" no longer means "no".
We make ourselves look wishy washy and easy to manipulate.
It's not really what children want.
They want us to be strong and decisive.
They feel more secure when we are even though they protest when they don't get their way.
When boundaries are unclear, many children will act out just to test where the boundaries actually are.
Some will accept what we told them the last time and not try again but many won't.
They will continue to push the envelope just to see if we mean it.
Some will test boundaries daily, others once in a while and some never.
We all know our own children.
So if you have a child who is acting out frequently, you might want to ask yourself if your boundaries are clear and consistent.
Only establish rules you can realistically enforce and learn to say "no" and mean it, despite the tantrum or crying.
Sometimes it's obvious but often it's not obvious.
Children are human beings and like all human beings we do what works for us, even though it may seem nonsensical.
We might be protecting ourselves in some way or our behavior might be getting the attention we need from others.
There are a multitude of reasons.
One thing that makes children feel secure and grounded is when we impose clear, consistent, enforceable boundaries.
By that I mean we make it clear what is acceptable and what isn't and they know with 100% certainty where the line is drawn.
On our part, it requires us to be not only clear and consistent, but realistic.
How often have you said something like "From now on, no TV on Fridays", or something like that? What often happens is we find it far too difficult to enforce so we relax the "rule".
Another thing we might say is "Your job is to feed the cat everyday" but before long you find yourself feeding the cat.
Every time we impose a new rule or set a boundary we have to be prepared to enforce it.
When my kids were young I found there were things I said they couldn't do, or must do, but later found them too difficult to consistently enforce.
I had to be realistic and honest with myself.
How diligent was I prepared to be? I knew it was important to be consistent if I really meant what I said, so I had to stick to guidelines I was prepared to realistically and consistently enforce.
When a child asks to do something or have something and we say "no" but later give in to their demands, we weaken the boundaries.
In the short term it works because we no longer have to hear a whining child and our child is content because she got what she wanted.
In the big picture though, we've created boundaries that are gray.
Once kids learn how to push hard enough to get what they want, the word "no" no longer means "no".
We make ourselves look wishy washy and easy to manipulate.
It's not really what children want.
They want us to be strong and decisive.
They feel more secure when we are even though they protest when they don't get their way.
When boundaries are unclear, many children will act out just to test where the boundaries actually are.
Some will accept what we told them the last time and not try again but many won't.
They will continue to push the envelope just to see if we mean it.
Some will test boundaries daily, others once in a while and some never.
We all know our own children.
So if you have a child who is acting out frequently, you might want to ask yourself if your boundaries are clear and consistent.
Only establish rules you can realistically enforce and learn to say "no" and mean it, despite the tantrum or crying.
