Parents - Are You There When Things Go Right?
The most powerful opportunities to connect with your children may be when they succeed.
Most parents know they need to be there for their kids when the going gets rough.
But what about during the good times? Acknowledging and celebrating your kids successes, no matter how big or little, can be even more important for building a positive and rewarding relationship than commiserating over setbacks.
Shelly Gable, a UCLA researcher, explains four ways people usually respond to another's accomplishments: Imagine your child comes home from school and tells you she has gotten a terrific grade on her book report.
Gable explains four possible responses: Active/Constructive: You react enthusiastically saying, "That's great news, sweetheart! You really worked hard and put your heart into that book report!" Passive/Constructive: "That's nice, sweetie," is a positive response that lacks energy, perhaps due to a momentary distraction.
Passive/Destructive: Ignoring the news altogether, you say, "Don't forget, it's your turn to empty the trash.
" Active/Destructive: Knowing your child didn't put forth a strong effort, you respond with, "That teacher must have a very low standard.
" The quality of your response to positive news from your child, no matter how small or large, can turn a good relationship into a great one.
Learning to develop an "active/constructive" response to your kids' successes may be one of the most important parenting skills you can acquire.
If you react positively and enthusiastically, your relationship with your child is likely to be closer, happier, more trusting, and caring - making you a happy camper too! So when your child bursts through the door with good news, "make an effort to notice these events and act on them in some way," Gable says.
"Your child can sense false enthusiasm, so if you're not able to have a genuine reaction, she suggests asking questions about why he's so happy.
" This will help him.
" she says, "because you're giving positive feedback, and it will help you because it gives you insight into what makes him click.
" She isn't saying you need to have a big celebration for every event, simple and sincere praise is enough.
"It's the thought that counts," she says.
Most parents know they need to be there for their kids when the going gets rough.
But what about during the good times? Acknowledging and celebrating your kids successes, no matter how big or little, can be even more important for building a positive and rewarding relationship than commiserating over setbacks.
Shelly Gable, a UCLA researcher, explains four ways people usually respond to another's accomplishments: Imagine your child comes home from school and tells you she has gotten a terrific grade on her book report.
Gable explains four possible responses: Active/Constructive: You react enthusiastically saying, "That's great news, sweetheart! You really worked hard and put your heart into that book report!" Passive/Constructive: "That's nice, sweetie," is a positive response that lacks energy, perhaps due to a momentary distraction.
Passive/Destructive: Ignoring the news altogether, you say, "Don't forget, it's your turn to empty the trash.
" Active/Destructive: Knowing your child didn't put forth a strong effort, you respond with, "That teacher must have a very low standard.
" The quality of your response to positive news from your child, no matter how small or large, can turn a good relationship into a great one.
Learning to develop an "active/constructive" response to your kids' successes may be one of the most important parenting skills you can acquire.
If you react positively and enthusiastically, your relationship with your child is likely to be closer, happier, more trusting, and caring - making you a happy camper too! So when your child bursts through the door with good news, "make an effort to notice these events and act on them in some way," Gable says.
"Your child can sense false enthusiasm, so if you're not able to have a genuine reaction, she suggests asking questions about why he's so happy.
" This will help him.
" she says, "because you're giving positive feedback, and it will help you because it gives you insight into what makes him click.
" She isn't saying you need to have a big celebration for every event, simple and sincere praise is enough.
"It's the thought that counts," she says.
