Have you noticed that when you are resentful, you become more sensitive to life's little issues? When you are stressed at work, do you come home and easily lose patience with your kids? Do you get angry at slow traffic or slow grocery lines? Would terms like "exasperated, nervous, irritated, or impatient" describe you? If so, you are probably over-reacting, and the worst reaction of all is that of resentment.
It sets you up for becoming increasingly sensitive to what you might otherwise take in stride.
The problem is that most of us do not know how to pay attention without becoming upset by what we see.
Most of our upsets are over daily small irritations.
You have probably heard the expression "Don't sweat the small stuff.
" We know this is true, but the problem is we do not know how not to sweat the small stuff.
This is because we have literally conditioned ourselves to become irritated.
And when the next little thing occurs, our body reacts.
A small irritant to which we have reacted can literally build to the point that we're ready to have an emotional meltdown over it.
Moreover, we react and suppress our emotions all day long, so there is an accumulation of upset and tension leading us to explode in anger at a loved one or reach for the bottle.
How is it that little irritations can lead to big physical symptoms? Of course, conditioning is one factor.
But there is another factor: one that you need to know about.
It is resentment.
If you are upset all the time, there is a good chance that your over-reactions have been preceded by the exciter emotion of resentment.
We are all familiar with the term psycho-somatic.
We know that there is a connection between mind and body.
An emerging field of research is called psychoneuroimmunology.
It studies the relationship between the mind, nervous system and immune system.
All this is to say that mind and body are intimately connected.
What does this have to do with you and your upset? Here's the story.
Resentment is on the cusp between mind and body.
Just as light is both particle and wave, so resentment is both thought and emotion.
Moreover, just as a neurotransmitter is a chemical substance that facilitates the transfer of an impulse between neurons, so resentment is the translator of a negative mental state to the body.
Once the transfer of the negativity takes place, a due process takes over and the body is compelled to react negatively (anger, upset, hurt feelings and so on).
Another way of looking at resentment is to consider it a sort of exciter.
In engineering, an exciter is a small generator that excites a larger machine.
Resentment incites not only anger but a host of stressful emotions.
It is not necessary to understand the ground breaking information I have just shared with you.
All you need to do is grasp the basic insight that resentment is bad for you and leads to negative emotions.
Therefore, letting go of resentment is the first basic but important step you can take to calm down.
Here are some tips to help you.
1.
Learn to watch for and let go of resentment which sustains and reinforces our reactions.
It was resentment that led to the very first reaction to a look alike situation long ago, and it is resentment that sustains it and reinforces it.
The resentment must be let go of--whether it be resentment against the situation, the person, the first occurrence, oneself, or resentment against anything.
2.
Becoming upset is a way of life for most of us.
When you were a kid, you learned to be emotional.
Now that you are an adult, you are beginning to see the health and mental health impacts of being upset all the time.
Now you know that it is better to calm down.
So the second thing that must be learned is to practice going through life in a more detached way, as more of an observer.
Maintaining a dispassionate state of mind and calm way of living will be easier now that you know to watch for and let go of resentment.
Incidentally, the practice of letting go of resentment corresponds to the beautiful spiritual and philosophical principles of forgiveness and patience you may have heard and appreciated but never really knew how to apply.
3.
The secret to regaining self control has to do with the timeless moment just before we react.
In that moment we have the freedom to make a choice between going with the resentment and all that follows, or to remain patient.
Once we go ahead and resent or choose to indulge resentment producing judgment, then there is a due process that occurs, and the bodily stress responses take place, one after another.
We all know that we need to calm down and be reasonable, but as soon as we react, we forget and lose control.
It happens so fast.
That is why stillness meditation (which helps us be centered and calm) is helpful.
In a nutshell, meditation helps you to be still and then carry a calm awareness out into your daily activities.
Pre-armed with patience, you won't get caught unawares.
And when the previously upsetting situation comes along, you can observe it instead of resenting and then getting caught up in it.
When you are not resentful in the first place, you are less likely to become upset and irritable in the second place.
You will have a greater capacity to be patient with your loved ones.