Question:

I work in an open office, and most of us get along quite well. We talk and laugh a lot, but we still get all of our work done. Not long ago, a new person joined our department, and the whole dynamic has changed.

At first, she was very quiet, so we did our best to make her feel more comfortable. After a few weeks, she opened up, and now we can't get her to stop. Casual conversation and a few quick quips would be okay, but she doesn't seem to have any filters.


She repeats secrets, makes fun of people's imperfections, and asks embarrassing questions.

Also, every time anyone leaves, she makes a snide remark. This can be a client, our boss, or even one of us. This is making all of us very uncomfortable, and we don't know what to do. Should we say something to her? If so, should we pick one person to do it or speak to her as a group? We don't want her to feel like we're ganging up on her because that put us in a very awkward position.

Answer:

Based on what you've mentioned, you're already in an awkward position. But you're right about not wanting to gang up on her. There are several steps you can take to let her know that there is a time for chattering and a time to stop talking. She also needs to understand that the rest of you enjoy each other's company without saying rude things or gossiping about anyone when they leave.

First, try starting a new conversation before she has a chance to make a snide remark. Maybe she'll get the point. If not, change the subject without responding to her comment.

When she asks a rude question, meet it with silence and don't answer.

Do this for a few days, and if she still doesn't get the message, one or two of you can ask her to lunch. In the most casual and non-confrontational way possible, discuss how much fun it is to work in an office with people who don't resort to obnoxious chatter, rude comments, and petty gossip.

She still might not conform to the pleasant office environment. If that's the case, it's time to spell it out. Don't let this go on too long, or you'll dread going to work everyday, and no one should have to live like that.

Proper etiquette for dealing with a rude person at the office:

1. Ignore her. She might get the message than no one appreciates her rude comments. The danger is that she might not be aware of what's happening or take it as rudeness from the rest of you.
2. Speak up and verbally disagree. For example, next time she makes a snide remark about someone who leaves the office, let her know that you don't agree. The problem with this is that she might see this as an opportunity to argue with you.
3. Challenge her. When she comments, ask if she says the same thing about you when you're not around. Be prepared for a defensive response.
4. Speak to her individually. Let her know that before she arrived, there was an unspoken rule that no one commented negatively on people who weren't there to defend themselves. This might quiet her down for a while as she ponders what you said.
5. Get together as a group and tell her that her comments are inappropriate. This could embarrass her, and she might feel as though she's being ganged up on. However, as long as you all speak politely and in kindness, she might eventually take what you say to heart. But then she may go to your supervisor and make accusations that are based on her feelings rather than reality. Then you'd all have to defend yourselves.
6. Talk to your supervisor about the issue. Chances are, if this has been going on for a while, your supervisor is aware of it from personal observation, so she won't be surprised. Just make sure you have a list of specific incidents and comments to back up your concerns.
7. Just tell her to stop making those comments because you find them offensive. You can do this every time she makes one of her obnoxious comments. This is another method that might be met with an argument and can escalate. Be prepared to zip your own mouth shut if that happens.