How was it possible that my bright, able, energetic daughter was failing in four of her high school classes? I was in shock when I realized my daughter might not graduate from high school.
This was definitely not in my plan.
But what to do? As a single mom, I felt lost and alone.
I couldn't believe what turned her around.
First, what didn't happen: I didn't move, change jobs, get her a tutor, give her tough love, ground her for life, or read her the riot act..
She didn't change schools, friends, or teachers.
Plain and simple, I changed one key parent habit.
After much soul searching, it dawned on me that she may be so "unmotivated" because of my well-meaning comments.
I thought I was giving her important advice to make her a better student.
"Honey, you're so smart, you're just being lazy.
" "If you would only apply yourself, you would do great.
" What, I thought would move her to action, came across like a barrage of criticism that made her feel like she couldn't do anything right.
So she just gave up trying at all.
After this realization, I changed my ways and she turned around.
I realized how dramatically she had improved the day she graduated from high school.
I was standing in the shade, under a group of trees, waiting for her to finish talking to her friends, when the Vice Principal walked up.
He looked me in the eye and said, "I never thought she'd make it.
" Even he had given up on her.
What Changed? I stopped criticizing what she was doing wrong and developed the habit of commenting on what she was doing that worked.
It made a night and day difference.
I didn't just start praising her, telling her how smart or good she was.
I made specific comments about her actions that made a difference.
When I started describing her effective actions, it became like a North Star guiding her to success.
It wasn't an easy change for me.
I had that deeply entrenched parenting habit of "criticizing for improvement.
" I really thought she would thank me for telling her what was wrong.
But it didn't work that way.
I remember the day she handed me a handwritten term paper on Theodore Roosevelt to read.
I had to bite my tongue to stop from saying, "You're not going t type it?!" But I was glad I did.
Impressed with what she had written, I told her how I had learned things about our 26th president that I never knew.
When I explained how using colorful, active words brought him alive for me in a whole new way, I saw her face light up.
Changing that habit took time and dedication, but the result was worth it.
My daughter was now on the path to success.