I always look for a woman who has a tattoo.
I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.
(Richard Jeni) I worked some gigs in the Deep South...
Alabama...
You talk about Darwin's waiting room.
There are guys in Alabama who are their own father.
(Dennis Miller) I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out.
(Rodney Dangerfield) L.
A.
is so celebrity-conscious, there's a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson -- and when he shows up, they tell him there'll be a ten-minute wait.
(Bill Maher) Funny Quotes.
Sayings.
Quotations.
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way.
I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
(Jon Stewart) There's always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says "Sure.
Ten million dollars.
You know, for that kind of money, I'd fight him.
" As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry.
(Larry Miller) If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts.
(Steven Wright) My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
(Bill Dwyer) Famous Quotes My sister was with two men in one night.
She could hardly walk after that.
Can you imagine? Two dinners! (Sarah Silverman) I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network.
They said "Can I help you?" and he said "No, I'm just looking.
" (George Miller) I knew these Siamese twins.
They moved to England, so the other one could drive.
(Steven Wright) A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business.
"Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material.
You wrap it up, and you give it to her.
She pays you with a $100 bill.
But as she goes out the door you realize she's given you two $100 bills.
Now, here's where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?" (Henny Youngman)