5 Ways - You Haven"t Even Thought Of - To Kill Trees
1)Use the Internet.
The Internet is really big.
I have only seen about half of it.
Anything so big cannot be good for trees.
Trees are small in comparison to the Internet.
Most of you are probably convinced by now that using the Internet kills trees.
However, for those sceptics out there, I will produce more evidence.
Where do they make the internet?Silicon Valley.
Where do they get the silicon?Other places that aren't Silicon Valley.
What do they use to ship all of this silicon?Trucks.
Truck fumes kill trees, thus the internet kills trees.
2)Talk about what happened on Jay Leno last night.
No, Jay's chin doesn't kill trees.
But, when you talk about what Jay Leno said, you are killing trees.
Why? Because, you aren't talking about tacos.
And almost everyone knows that the subject of tacos is the only thing that can be talked about that doesn't kill trees.
When was the last time you talked about tacos?When you were hungry.
What did you do after you talked about tacos?You very shortly ate food.
What did you do a few hours after eating?You know Fertilizer doesn't kill trees, but talking about what happened on Jay Leno does.
So for goodness sake stop with the Jay Leno accounts and for the love of the planet start discussing tacos.
3) Walk to work.
You think your saving, but your not.
Walkers can't be trusted.
They rhyme with too many other bad things, like stalkers and chalkers.
What do normal car driving people do when they pass someone on the side of the road?They swerve closer to the center of the road.
This is bad for B reasons: A.
It wastes gas.
All those extra inches of traveled road add up to miles of bad memories and wasted gas.
B.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Swerving around wicked walkers will eventually reverse the rotation of the Earth (not necessarily a bad thing).
The problem is right now the Earth's rotation has slowed to the point of causing global warming and advocacy group forming.
Deforestation through spontaneous tree cremation.
4)Wake up in the morning.
I hate waking up.
It makes me want to kill trees.
Studies show that wanting to kill trees leads to actively killing trees in 17.
6% of cases.
I made that one short because writing is hard.
5)Give away paper business cards.
Here's a riddle? What do magnetic business cards stick to?Metal.
What do paper business cards stick to?The bottoms of trash cans.
Trash can contents go to landfills and landfill worker guys bend over and pick up business cards with cute real estate glamour photos.
Sometimes they hurt their backs during this lovelorn act and they sue the government.
The government counter sues with a deluge of recycled paper.
Where does recycled paper came from?Other non-recycled tree killing paper.
Magnetic business cards are way cooler than paper business cards.
Not really a riddle, but still...
The Internet is really big.
I have only seen about half of it.
Anything so big cannot be good for trees.
Trees are small in comparison to the Internet.
Most of you are probably convinced by now that using the Internet kills trees.
However, for those sceptics out there, I will produce more evidence.
Where do they make the internet?Silicon Valley.
Where do they get the silicon?Other places that aren't Silicon Valley.
What do they use to ship all of this silicon?Trucks.
Truck fumes kill trees, thus the internet kills trees.
2)Talk about what happened on Jay Leno last night.
No, Jay's chin doesn't kill trees.
But, when you talk about what Jay Leno said, you are killing trees.
Why? Because, you aren't talking about tacos.
And almost everyone knows that the subject of tacos is the only thing that can be talked about that doesn't kill trees.
When was the last time you talked about tacos?When you were hungry.
What did you do after you talked about tacos?You very shortly ate food.
What did you do a few hours after eating?You know Fertilizer doesn't kill trees, but talking about what happened on Jay Leno does.
So for goodness sake stop with the Jay Leno accounts and for the love of the planet start discussing tacos.
3) Walk to work.
You think your saving, but your not.
Walkers can't be trusted.
They rhyme with too many other bad things, like stalkers and chalkers.
What do normal car driving people do when they pass someone on the side of the road?They swerve closer to the center of the road.
This is bad for B reasons: A.
It wastes gas.
All those extra inches of traveled road add up to miles of bad memories and wasted gas.
B.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Swerving around wicked walkers will eventually reverse the rotation of the Earth (not necessarily a bad thing).
The problem is right now the Earth's rotation has slowed to the point of causing global warming and advocacy group forming.
Deforestation through spontaneous tree cremation.
4)Wake up in the morning.
I hate waking up.
It makes me want to kill trees.
Studies show that wanting to kill trees leads to actively killing trees in 17.
6% of cases.
I made that one short because writing is hard.
5)Give away paper business cards.
Here's a riddle? What do magnetic business cards stick to?Metal.
What do paper business cards stick to?The bottoms of trash cans.
Trash can contents go to landfills and landfill worker guys bend over and pick up business cards with cute real estate glamour photos.
Sometimes they hurt their backs during this lovelorn act and they sue the government.
The government counter sues with a deluge of recycled paper.
Where does recycled paper came from?Other non-recycled tree killing paper.
Magnetic business cards are way cooler than paper business cards.
Not really a riddle, but still...
