Approach Anxiety - Defeating That Initial Fear - How the Power of Ritual Can Defeat Approach Anxiety
There are a lot of explanations for where approach anxiety or the fear of the approach comes from.
Many argue that it's an atavistic trait heralding back to when communities only had a few hundred men.
In such small societies hitting on the wrong woman could cost a man his life.
Hit on the strongest warrior's woman and he might just hit you with a rock.
I am not sure that I believe this explanation.
I believe that this fear is actually a learned trait.
Children aren't afraid of beautiful women are they? If this fear of walking up to women is something that can be learned, surely it is also something that can be unlearned as well.
Whether you want to become a pickup artist and date hundreds of women or you are just a guy in love with the girl across the cubicle, this fear can hold you back.
Sometimes we think of the most creative reasons not to talk to a woman - she's too beautiful, she's not beautiful enough, she will probably hate me, she's probably married, she will pull out a gun and shoot me.
The reality is that the fear exists only in your head.
There is no real danger.
It's just like tigers.
I am afraid of tigers.
But I don't worry about them.
I am only afraid of a tiger that is in the room.
Until a tiger is in the room with me, my fears and worries are just academic.
It is the same thing when you are worried about walking up to a woman.
You are worried about things that aren't real.
Logically you know that there is no real danger.
No one is actually going to shoot you for saying hi.
So now that we know that this fear is something we have learned and that it is actually illogical, how do we defeat it.
There are tons of complex psychological tricks and techniques out there, from EFT to hypnosis.
I have tried all of them.
And in my years as a professional pickup artist I have developed a technique that works the best for me - ritual.
When you are in a ritual you focus on each part of the process.
You don't have time to focus five steps ahead.
My ritual starts in my home.
I play music that gets me excited while I am getting dressed for the night.
I put on an outfit that makes me feel really good about myself.
I wear accessories that I only wear when I'm going out for a great night.
You can think of these as the accouterments of a good night.
Just as priests have their gear, I have mine.
They prepare me and are now a part of my ritual.
On the drive to the bar or club, I play music to get me excited.
I play different songs based on whether or not I will be drinking.
All I think about is driving and the music.
I really try to just live in the moment.
I don't worry about what I will say to women or plan my strategy in any way.
This is wasted effort and only leads down a never-ending path.
When I get to the bar I always start my night with the same drink.
During this drink I never talk to women.
So I know that there is no pressure on me.
I either drink alone in a corner or chatting with my friends.
I am living in the moment so I just enjoy my drink.
I look around a little bit to see how much fun people are having.
All I am doing is assessing the situation.
Until I finish that first drink there is no impetus to act.
So there is no pressure.
After I finish my first drink I go into motion.
I don't suddenly say "now it's time to talk to women.
" Instead I just go for a stroll.
I am just walking around the bar to see what's happening.
Sometimes I go alone and sometimes I bring a wingman.
We are just chatting and strolling.
If I see a woman I like, well, I am already walking towards her.
I only have a few seconds to notice her and decide I want to talk to her before I am next to her.
It's much easier to start in motion than to be standing near a wall and decide to move.
It's just like the law of thermodynamics.
It's harder to get a motionless object moving.
So now my ritual has taken me all the way to the point where I am walking towards a woman I find attractive.
Now I only have about 2-3 seconds to think of something to say.
I am already moving towards her.
There is no time for that irrational fear to build in the back of my mind.
Ritual brings me all the way to the woman.
It prevents me from having the time to think irrationally or develop any approach anxiety.
The key is to just focus on each phase of the ritual and not to think about the end.
If you practice this, you will see a major difference in your life.
Many argue that it's an atavistic trait heralding back to when communities only had a few hundred men.
In such small societies hitting on the wrong woman could cost a man his life.
Hit on the strongest warrior's woman and he might just hit you with a rock.
I am not sure that I believe this explanation.
I believe that this fear is actually a learned trait.
Children aren't afraid of beautiful women are they? If this fear of walking up to women is something that can be learned, surely it is also something that can be unlearned as well.
Whether you want to become a pickup artist and date hundreds of women or you are just a guy in love with the girl across the cubicle, this fear can hold you back.
Sometimes we think of the most creative reasons not to talk to a woman - she's too beautiful, she's not beautiful enough, she will probably hate me, she's probably married, she will pull out a gun and shoot me.
The reality is that the fear exists only in your head.
There is no real danger.
It's just like tigers.
I am afraid of tigers.
But I don't worry about them.
I am only afraid of a tiger that is in the room.
Until a tiger is in the room with me, my fears and worries are just academic.
It is the same thing when you are worried about walking up to a woman.
You are worried about things that aren't real.
Logically you know that there is no real danger.
No one is actually going to shoot you for saying hi.
So now that we know that this fear is something we have learned and that it is actually illogical, how do we defeat it.
There are tons of complex psychological tricks and techniques out there, from EFT to hypnosis.
I have tried all of them.
And in my years as a professional pickup artist I have developed a technique that works the best for me - ritual.
When you are in a ritual you focus on each part of the process.
You don't have time to focus five steps ahead.
My ritual starts in my home.
I play music that gets me excited while I am getting dressed for the night.
I put on an outfit that makes me feel really good about myself.
I wear accessories that I only wear when I'm going out for a great night.
You can think of these as the accouterments of a good night.
Just as priests have their gear, I have mine.
They prepare me and are now a part of my ritual.
On the drive to the bar or club, I play music to get me excited.
I play different songs based on whether or not I will be drinking.
All I think about is driving and the music.
I really try to just live in the moment.
I don't worry about what I will say to women or plan my strategy in any way.
This is wasted effort and only leads down a never-ending path.
When I get to the bar I always start my night with the same drink.
During this drink I never talk to women.
So I know that there is no pressure on me.
I either drink alone in a corner or chatting with my friends.
I am living in the moment so I just enjoy my drink.
I look around a little bit to see how much fun people are having.
All I am doing is assessing the situation.
Until I finish that first drink there is no impetus to act.
So there is no pressure.
After I finish my first drink I go into motion.
I don't suddenly say "now it's time to talk to women.
" Instead I just go for a stroll.
I am just walking around the bar to see what's happening.
Sometimes I go alone and sometimes I bring a wingman.
We are just chatting and strolling.
If I see a woman I like, well, I am already walking towards her.
I only have a few seconds to notice her and decide I want to talk to her before I am next to her.
It's much easier to start in motion than to be standing near a wall and decide to move.
It's just like the law of thermodynamics.
It's harder to get a motionless object moving.
So now my ritual has taken me all the way to the point where I am walking towards a woman I find attractive.
Now I only have about 2-3 seconds to think of something to say.
I am already moving towards her.
There is no time for that irrational fear to build in the back of my mind.
Ritual brings me all the way to the woman.
It prevents me from having the time to think irrationally or develop any approach anxiety.
The key is to just focus on each phase of the ritual and not to think about the end.
If you practice this, you will see a major difference in your life.
